Confessions of a breastfeeding failure...

"Normalize breastfeeding, breast is best, breastfeeding is beautiful, free the boob".... These are a few of the sayings that you become pretty familiar with pretty early on in mommy hood (especially if you choose to nurse)... But what about those of us who want so desperately to be able to feed our babies solely the breast but can't? We're told that the best thing for our new babies is milk produced by our own bodies... We are sometimes told in a laughing, sarcastic tone that breastfeeding may be hard... But no one really takes the time to sit you down and tell you how hard it actually can be and how easily it can all go down hill...

This was me. Correction this is me. Both my mom and my grandma struggled with breast feeding, so I knew it was possible that it would be a struggle for me. However, I was determined to give it my best shot! I prayed often before giving birth that I would be able to nurse my sweet baby. 

So, sweet Avery Jane entered the world and began nursing. Her latch was pretty good, it didn't hurt too terribly bad, no cracks, no bleeding... Success! Nursing was going pretty well for us and I was so pleased! 

But then the silent killer entered the scene... The lies all of us women believe... It had been just over six weeks and I had been given the ok to start exercising again... A few more weeks had passed and I still wasn't my normal size 3. In fact, I was still double that. So, I started watching what I ate more and was hitting the gym/working out from home more. I felt good. I felt great really. I thought, "I will be back in no time."

But then Avery Jane happened. She went to the doctor and had basically fallen off the charts for weight. She had had a little blood in her diaper as well so the docs were doubly concerned. After about 4-6 blood tests, 2 stool samples, a urine test and a visit with the lactation consultant the doctors told us she wasn't getting enough to eat from me and to start supplementing with formula. Such an easy thing for them to say, such an easy fix. SUCH a shattering and discouraging thing for a new mom to hear. They said, "Your supply must have dropped." What I heard: "You have failed at being able to adequately take care of your daughter." 

Now I know my thoughts were absolutely irrational, maybe even hormonal, but I was utterly crushed. Not only was I not "slimmed down," but in trying to do so I took away the ability to feed my sweet girl what she needed. I felt so terrible. So ashamed. 

You may hear moms joking around about how ravenous they are while nursing, but you don't often hear how extremely important it is to eat enough calories while nursing. You don't often hear how much you will struggle with how your body looks after having a baby. You will know the fact that you just gave another human life by growing it inside of you, but that evil voice in your head will continue to try to tell you you're fat. What a lie this is! A lie I chose to believe and now Avery is paying for it. 

No one ever tells you how embarrassed you may feel to have to admit you're giving your baby formula!! GASP! Well, I'm hear to say yes, you may feel embarrassed to admit this, but it is nothing to be embarrassed about! It's something to celebrate really. What if Avery had been born before formula was invented? Would she still be alive? Possibly not. This sounds extreme, but it helps me to be thankful that formula was invented and that it will allow Avery to grow and develop as needed. Even thrive!

My advice to other new moms who may be just beginning this nursing journey:

• EAT! Make sure to get enough calories in your day. Avery's doctor told me I should have been eating 2500-3000 calories a day. That is a ton! I was lucky to be getting 1500-2000... And then gymming on top of that. Not good. Do NOT feel guilty for eating extra while nursing!
• DRINK! Make sure you are drinking enough water! Get a big water bottle and mark it with lines of how much you need to drink by when... Do whatever it takes to get enough liquids.
• PRIORITIZE your supply! When it's time to feed your baby DO IT! You are NOT an inconvenience!! I struggled with this... If we were out with family or friends, and I knew it had been more than 4 hours since I nursed or pumped I would just push it longer... Avery wasn't crying so she was fine. As a result, my body thought it needed to make less milk and my supply began to dry up.
• YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE if you can't nurse... Coming from a mom who's baby cannot survive on my milk alone, you are still a good mom if you have to feed her formula.. A GREAT mom even, because you can put your pride aside to give your baby what she needs.
• TAKE YOUR THOUGHTS CAPTIVE!! At some point you are going to hate your post-baby body. You may even think horrible things about how you look, but look at your baby and remember it took 9 months for that sweet baby to grow inside of you... It's absolutely OK if it takes that long for you to look like you "used to."
• PRAY! This should probably be first on the list. Pray for your supply. Pray for your baby. Pray for your thoughts to be pure about your body. Pray for your pride to step aside if you are unable to nurse. Ask God, cry out to God, that He will help you on this journey. He wants to be included :)

I have taken the last 3 months to work on rebuilding my supply. You name it, we've tried it! Avery Jane was living on probably 80% formula and 20% breast milk when we found out my supply had depleted. She was lucky to get .5-1 ounce from me each feeding. I would guess she is now living on about 65% formula and probably 35% breast milk. She's getting anywhere from 1-3 ounces from me and the rest formula.

Bottle can also be best!

I'm not sure I will ever regain my full supply, but I will continue to try. I will continue to choose to be ever so thankful for the creators of formula for providing my baby a source of nourishment! I will thank God for helping us find out that she wasn't getting enough food before any permanent damage was done! I will choose to believe I have NOT failed at breastfeeding or being a good mom, but believe I am a GREAT mom for doing whatever it takes to give this sweet girl the best life I can :)  I will continue to try to be the best mom I can for sweet Avery Jane! 

~Arieanna

Trip down memory lane...

Ok.... So, it's been too long since I've updated this... Probably why I will never make a living as a blogger!  Let me try to fill you all in on the past few months...

First off I'd like to thank all of you who said you'd pray for my mom!! What a gift that was from you guys... So, thank you... I'd also like to tell you she celebrated both Thanksgiving and Christmas this year and even seemed joyful during it. God is so good.

Christmas and New years were great... Super busy, but so wonderful! All Ramage siblings were reunited and home for Christmas, which was such a blessing... We spent a lot of time laughing at things of the past.... Childhood "couldn't live without's" mainly:

The Beloved Teddy Ruxpin

The All Consuming Sega Genesis

Okay, Okay.... I was a terrible house wife this year and didn't get our Christmas cards out.... I hope you can all forgive me... But if not here is one just for you!

Merry Christmas from the Blain/Ramage household!

Casey and I had a week off between Christmas and New years and had the chance to go visit our great friends Mimi, Andy and Franky Salonen.... Which so happen to live in Longmont, CO where Casey grew up.... We got to tour all of his old stomping grounds and had such a fun, busy, semi-relaxing, much-needed away time! Thanks for hosting us Salonens.... But now that we're thinking of old stomping grounds, I'd like us all to travel back to where it all began.....

So, I told my father-in-law a long time ago I would include this in here.... (So, this is for you Aaron)... A few weeks after Thanksgiving, the in-laws, the husband, and myself piled into the mini van and headed towards Miles City to celebrate my grandmother-in-law's birthday. Being a new part of this family, I have heard a lot about this infamous little town, but had never gotten the chance to experience it myself. This tiny town holds so many memories for the Ramage family and we planned to take a stroll down "memory lane"... Or where "everything all began."  You see, my in-laws have one of those high school sweetheart's, fairytale type of stories that you think only happens in the movies... One that kind of makes you furious because they rarely happen in "real life"... Yes.... This is their story...

 Let me take you down Ramage memory lane for a minute...

There once was a young blonde beauty that all the boys adored, but one boy in particular had his eye on her. He was determined to make her his girl, but there was slight problem... He was a high school jock like all the girls wanted, but not the kind of jock you're thinking of... He was strong as all get out, but was not a football player... He was even a complete handyman, able to fix a number of car problems by his high school years... But there was that one small detail that couldn't be forgotten.... He was a male gymnast...

 He knew he was a total catch, but he had to convince the beautiful blonde that he was. So, the chase began.  Cruisin' around the tiny town of Miles City in his sweet ride hoping she'd view him as more than just a friend, stopping in at the local DQ where she worked to get a blizzard (not cuz he loves ice cream, but just to catch a glimpse of her), and even hanging by the city lake in the summer to impress her with his water skiing skills. (Sounds like a scene right out of Grease).

Finally, he was able to win her over, she was able to put aside the fact that he was a male gymnast ;) and she let him take her out on a date... By this time they lived literrally right across the street from each other. So, he'd hop in his car, flip a U at the end of the block, pull up in front of her house to pick her up and off they went.... The young man thought the chase was over and that he won her heart, but then there was the water balloon [said in a slow motion type of effect]....

One sunny day, him and his cronies were out causing trouble, cruising around the town, and tossing water balloons whenever the time felt right. He saw his blonde babe driving towards them and his "boy brain" automatically switched to "impress girl" mode... So, she drove by him, she waved, and he tossed the balloon ever-so-perfectly.... And immediately he began to panic... It was a hot summer day, so of course her window was down enjoying the breeze... Next thing they knew she was smacked in the face, and soaking wet, with shock and anger all over her face.... Surely his chances with her were over after such a juvenile mistake like that...

But some how she forgave him and he won the battle and got the girl... They married, had 3 beautiful babies, and bought a video camera... The rest of the story can be found in the Ramage's basement in boxes full of home videos... literrally tons and tons of hours of footage! I'm not sure if they ever turned the thing off!! But I sure am grateful for that and getting to relive experiences and memories with them.

It was such a blast to see "where it all began" over 30 years ago. To hear them reminisce, and laugh at old, but never forgotten times in their lives. What a great story of boy meets girl, and then drenches her with a water balloon, but still manages to win her over!! Thanks for sharing Aaron and Noni!!

The Gymnast and his Blonde Beauty

Let the Festivities Begin...

Well... This year the start to my holiday season was a little different... After much badgering by a great friend, Casey and I signed up for what may become a new tradition for us....

At around 7am on Thanksgiving morning my alarm sounds.... I of course hit snooze (a few times)... 7:30am rolls around and I finally decide if this is gonna happen I'm gonna have to actually get up (UGH!)... So, begrudgingly,  I crawl out of the warmth of my cozy bed and head to attempt to wake myself up enough for what's ahead of me. Casey, eventually gets up too and we get all suited up for our journey.  We walk outside into the 30 degree weather and immediately begin regretting our decision, but we've already made the commitment... So, we push on... We arrive at our friend Colin's house and attach the last part of our uniforms. Head back out into the cold and walk a few blocks downtown where we are surrounded by chipper faces and ridiculous costumes... We take our positions and the buzzer sounds... 29 minutes and 25 seconds later my sweet friend, Tensy, and I arrive to our destination... Aka the finish line!  Yep.... You guessed it.... Casey and I started out our Thanksgiving morning running our first race (with friends of course)! Granted it was only a 5k, we were still pretty excited.  I have to tell you this though, out of 1500 people who ran the race my awesome husband finished in the top 100!! For his first race!! I was proud to say the least. :)

Casey and Colin Getting Ready

Done and Still Smiling

After starting off the morning with a "workout," we felt like we had justification to stuff our faces full of Thanksgiving grub.... And we did just that. Being a newly married couple, the navigation and logistics of holidays can be quite tricky. Never wanting to hurt feelings, and wanting to spend time with everyone in both families is a hard battle.... But one we always face head on... This Thanksgiving we ate with Casey's Mom and Dad and a few of their friends... Eating with them is always a treat, because as much as Casey's mom will NEVER admit.... She is a great cook and a wonderful hostess! We ate our share of Turkey Day grub, hung out for a bit, and then it was off to the next destination...

The next stop was my Uncle Tom and Aunt Terry's house. They had already eaten. So, we just relaxed and chatted about anything and everything. Holidays on my side of the family, however, are a little different than most... You see, my dad passed away just over 4 years ago... So, you could imagine how hard this season of the year is on us, but especially my mom. There were many years since his passing that she wouldn't even consider celebrating a holiday.... But her heart is softening and she is slowly... very slowly coming around :) She came over to my Aunt and Uncle's house without any sort of fight and I cannot tell you how amazing this is!  It's been a huge challenge to figure out how to be joyful and thankful during the holiday seasons, but also be sensitive to her broken heart.... But God is so good and she is healing... Slowly, but there is healing there. Thank you for this, Lord. If you are a prayer, I would ask you to pray for my mom. Pray for the softening of her heart to continue and for her eyes to open to the God who loves her and so desperately wants her to turn to Him.

Thanksgiving came to an end, and our heads hit the pillow once again.  Next thing I knew... it was 3:16am and my stinkin alarm was going off again.... That darn friend who talked me into running on a holiday also talked me into waking up before the crack of dawn to go.... shopping.... Ugh.... I've always worked Black Fridays, but never had the opportunity to experience the madness from the consumer's point of view... This year that changed. I was in line at Cabela's at 4:30am with literally thousands of other people... The doors opened and the craziness began.... People were running all around to get their hands on that one thing they woke up so early to buy... It was pretty funny really... I heard one girl say she had been camped out since 2:30am!! 2:30am!! The store didn't open 'til 5! So, we shopped all morning... (but don't worry Jamie... we didn't have any fun!! ;)) I was back in bed by 11am... Pretty weird day really... Not sure if I'll do it again, but it was actually a pretty good time! I do love the deals!!

Tensy and I waiting in line at Cabela's

This time of year always makes me look beyond the tradition to what really matters and what I'm oh so grateful for... It makes me realize how truly blessed I am... This is a pretty common thought for most people around the holidays... I mean we see Thanksgiving and Joy plastered everywhere we look... So, how can we not be reminded to be thankful...  But I've really felt challenged by all this and I read the other day... Should we only be this thankful around the Holidays.... When we're reminded to be thankful?  Our Lord is blessing us daily... regardless of the time of year... He doesn't wait for the holiday season to love us... He doesn't wait 'til the day when it's "appropriate" to send Christmas cards out to bless us...  He loves us, blesses us, and cherishes us ALL year! Even when the Christmas tree dies and you have to throw it out... He still chooses to loves us and be thankful for us.... But what about our thankfulness towards Him??? We wait until the lights and tinsel are up, and the pies are in the oven to count our blessings.... Or even if we are thankful year round, we can't help but be more thankful around this time of year.... I don't know about you.... but I feel so challenged, even convicted, by not expressing this "magnitude" of thankfulness ALL year.... Lord, forgive me for my selfish heart and help me to be THIS thankful ALL year....