Confessions of a breastfeeding failure...

"Normalize breastfeeding, breast is best, breastfeeding is beautiful, free the boob".... These are a few of the sayings that you become pretty familiar with pretty early on in mommy hood (especially if you choose to nurse)... But what about those of us who want so desperately to be able to feed our babies solely the breast but can't? We're told that the best thing for our new babies is milk produced by our own bodies... We are sometimes told in a laughing, sarcastic tone that breastfeeding may be hard... But no one really takes the time to sit you down and tell you how hard it actually can be and how easily it can all go down hill...

This was me. Correction this is me. Both my mom and my grandma struggled with breast feeding, so I knew it was possible that it would be a struggle for me. However, I was determined to give it my best shot! I prayed often before giving birth that I would be able to nurse my sweet baby. 

So, sweet Avery Jane entered the world and began nursing. Her latch was pretty good, it didn't hurt too terribly bad, no cracks, no bleeding... Success! Nursing was going pretty well for us and I was so pleased! 

But then the silent killer entered the scene... The lies all of us women believe... It had been just over six weeks and I had been given the ok to start exercising again... A few more weeks had passed and I still wasn't my normal size 3. In fact, I was still double that. So, I started watching what I ate more and was hitting the gym/working out from home more. I felt good. I felt great really. I thought, "I will be back in no time."

But then Avery Jane happened. She went to the doctor and had basically fallen off the charts for weight. She had had a little blood in her diaper as well so the docs were doubly concerned. After about 4-6 blood tests, 2 stool samples, a urine test and a visit with the lactation consultant the doctors told us she wasn't getting enough to eat from me and to start supplementing with formula. Such an easy thing for them to say, such an easy fix. SUCH a shattering and discouraging thing for a new mom to hear. They said, "Your supply must have dropped." What I heard: "You have failed at being able to adequately take care of your daughter." 

Now I know my thoughts were absolutely irrational, maybe even hormonal, but I was utterly crushed. Not only was I not "slimmed down," but in trying to do so I took away the ability to feed my sweet girl what she needed. I felt so terrible. So ashamed. 

You may hear moms joking around about how ravenous they are while nursing, but you don't often hear how extremely important it is to eat enough calories while nursing. You don't often hear how much you will struggle with how your body looks after having a baby. You will know the fact that you just gave another human life by growing it inside of you, but that evil voice in your head will continue to try to tell you you're fat. What a lie this is! A lie I chose to believe and now Avery is paying for it. 

No one ever tells you how embarrassed you may feel to have to admit you're giving your baby formula!! GASP! Well, I'm hear to say yes, you may feel embarrassed to admit this, but it is nothing to be embarrassed about! It's something to celebrate really. What if Avery had been born before formula was invented? Would she still be alive? Possibly not. This sounds extreme, but it helps me to be thankful that formula was invented and that it will allow Avery to grow and develop as needed. Even thrive!

My advice to other new moms who may be just beginning this nursing journey:

• EAT! Make sure to get enough calories in your day. Avery's doctor told me I should have been eating 2500-3000 calories a day. That is a ton! I was lucky to be getting 1500-2000... And then gymming on top of that. Not good. Do NOT feel guilty for eating extra while nursing!
• DRINK! Make sure you are drinking enough water! Get a big water bottle and mark it with lines of how much you need to drink by when... Do whatever it takes to get enough liquids.
• PRIORITIZE your supply! When it's time to feed your baby DO IT! You are NOT an inconvenience!! I struggled with this... If we were out with family or friends, and I knew it had been more than 4 hours since I nursed or pumped I would just push it longer... Avery wasn't crying so she was fine. As a result, my body thought it needed to make less milk and my supply began to dry up.
• YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE if you can't nurse... Coming from a mom who's baby cannot survive on my milk alone, you are still a good mom if you have to feed her formula.. A GREAT mom even, because you can put your pride aside to give your baby what she needs.
• TAKE YOUR THOUGHTS CAPTIVE!! At some point you are going to hate your post-baby body. You may even think horrible things about how you look, but look at your baby and remember it took 9 months for that sweet baby to grow inside of you... It's absolutely OK if it takes that long for you to look like you "used to."
• PRAY! This should probably be first on the list. Pray for your supply. Pray for your baby. Pray for your thoughts to be pure about your body. Pray for your pride to step aside if you are unable to nurse. Ask God, cry out to God, that He will help you on this journey. He wants to be included :)

I have taken the last 3 months to work on rebuilding my supply. You name it, we've tried it! Avery Jane was living on probably 80% formula and 20% breast milk when we found out my supply had depleted. She was lucky to get .5-1 ounce from me each feeding. I would guess she is now living on about 65% formula and probably 35% breast milk. She's getting anywhere from 1-3 ounces from me and the rest formula.

Bottle can also be best!

I'm not sure I will ever regain my full supply, but I will continue to try. I will continue to choose to be ever so thankful for the creators of formula for providing my baby a source of nourishment! I will thank God for helping us find out that she wasn't getting enough food before any permanent damage was done! I will choose to believe I have NOT failed at breastfeeding or being a good mom, but believe I am a GREAT mom for doing whatever it takes to give this sweet girl the best life I can :)  I will continue to try to be the best mom I can for sweet Avery Jane! 

~Arieanna