Confessions of a breastfeeding failure...

"Normalize breastfeeding, breast is best, breastfeeding is beautiful, free the boob".... These are a few of the sayings that you become pretty familiar with pretty early on in mommy hood (especially if you choose to nurse)... But what about those of us who want so desperately to be able to feed our babies solely the breast but can't? We're told that the best thing for our new babies is milk produced by our own bodies... We are sometimes told in a laughing, sarcastic tone that breastfeeding may be hard... But no one really takes the time to sit you down and tell you how hard it actually can be and how easily it can all go down hill...

This was me. Correction this is me. Both my mom and my grandma struggled with breast feeding, so I knew it was possible that it would be a struggle for me. However, I was determined to give it my best shot! I prayed often before giving birth that I would be able to nurse my sweet baby. 

So, sweet Avery Jane entered the world and began nursing. Her latch was pretty good, it didn't hurt too terribly bad, no cracks, no bleeding... Success! Nursing was going pretty well for us and I was so pleased! 

But then the silent killer entered the scene... The lies all of us women believe... It had been just over six weeks and I had been given the ok to start exercising again... A few more weeks had passed and I still wasn't my normal size 3. In fact, I was still double that. So, I started watching what I ate more and was hitting the gym/working out from home more. I felt good. I felt great really. I thought, "I will be back in no time."

But then Avery Jane happened. She went to the doctor and had basically fallen off the charts for weight. She had had a little blood in her diaper as well so the docs were doubly concerned. After about 4-6 blood tests, 2 stool samples, a urine test and a visit with the lactation consultant the doctors told us she wasn't getting enough to eat from me and to start supplementing with formula. Such an easy thing for them to say, such an easy fix. SUCH a shattering and discouraging thing for a new mom to hear. They said, "Your supply must have dropped." What I heard: "You have failed at being able to adequately take care of your daughter." 

Now I know my thoughts were absolutely irrational, maybe even hormonal, but I was utterly crushed. Not only was I not "slimmed down," but in trying to do so I took away the ability to feed my sweet girl what she needed. I felt so terrible. So ashamed. 

You may hear moms joking around about how ravenous they are while nursing, but you don't often hear how extremely important it is to eat enough calories while nursing. You don't often hear how much you will struggle with how your body looks after having a baby. You will know the fact that you just gave another human life by growing it inside of you, but that evil voice in your head will continue to try to tell you you're fat. What a lie this is! A lie I chose to believe and now Avery is paying for it. 

No one ever tells you how embarrassed you may feel to have to admit you're giving your baby formula!! GASP! Well, I'm hear to say yes, you may feel embarrassed to admit this, but it is nothing to be embarrassed about! It's something to celebrate really. What if Avery had been born before formula was invented? Would she still be alive? Possibly not. This sounds extreme, but it helps me to be thankful that formula was invented and that it will allow Avery to grow and develop as needed. Even thrive!

My advice to other new moms who may be just beginning this nursing journey:

• EAT! Make sure to get enough calories in your day. Avery's doctor told me I should have been eating 2500-3000 calories a day. That is a ton! I was lucky to be getting 1500-2000... And then gymming on top of that. Not good. Do NOT feel guilty for eating extra while nursing!
• DRINK! Make sure you are drinking enough water! Get a big water bottle and mark it with lines of how much you need to drink by when... Do whatever it takes to get enough liquids.
• PRIORITIZE your supply! When it's time to feed your baby DO IT! You are NOT an inconvenience!! I struggled with this... If we were out with family or friends, and I knew it had been more than 4 hours since I nursed or pumped I would just push it longer... Avery wasn't crying so she was fine. As a result, my body thought it needed to make less milk and my supply began to dry up.
• YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE if you can't nurse... Coming from a mom who's baby cannot survive on my milk alone, you are still a good mom if you have to feed her formula.. A GREAT mom even, because you can put your pride aside to give your baby what she needs.
• TAKE YOUR THOUGHTS CAPTIVE!! At some point you are going to hate your post-baby body. You may even think horrible things about how you look, but look at your baby and remember it took 9 months for that sweet baby to grow inside of you... It's absolutely OK if it takes that long for you to look like you "used to."
• PRAY! This should probably be first on the list. Pray for your supply. Pray for your baby. Pray for your thoughts to be pure about your body. Pray for your pride to step aside if you are unable to nurse. Ask God, cry out to God, that He will help you on this journey. He wants to be included :)

I have taken the last 3 months to work on rebuilding my supply. You name it, we've tried it! Avery Jane was living on probably 80% formula and 20% breast milk when we found out my supply had depleted. She was lucky to get .5-1 ounce from me each feeding. I would guess she is now living on about 65% formula and probably 35% breast milk. She's getting anywhere from 1-3 ounces from me and the rest formula.

Bottle can also be best!

I'm not sure I will ever regain my full supply, but I will continue to try. I will continue to choose to be ever so thankful for the creators of formula for providing my baby a source of nourishment! I will thank God for helping us find out that she wasn't getting enough food before any permanent damage was done! I will choose to believe I have NOT failed at breastfeeding or being a good mom, but believe I am a GREAT mom for doing whatever it takes to give this sweet girl the best life I can :)  I will continue to try to be the best mom I can for sweet Avery Jane! 

~Arieanna

Running.... A constant struggle...

Running..... Why is running for so many people, including myself, such a struggle? We know we should do it... We know it's really good for us... We all know the benefits of running. We know it's good on us both physically and mentally, yet we don't do it. OR when we do run, we run for maybe a mile and call it good OR we run twice a week for a few weeks then winter comes and we tell ourselves "it's too cold out" or summer comes and "it's too hot out." There's always an excuse not to run...

For me, running is truly a love/hate relationship. First finding the motivation to run is the hardest part... Then when I find the motivation, pushing past the first mile becomes excruciating..... Then comes the boredom.... The boredom of running can become tormenting (at least for me).... But no matter the negativity "running" through my head, something inside of me tells me to keep going... Then I am all of a sudden on mile 2.5 and feeling pretty good.... My breathing becomes more regular, my heart rate definitely faster but steading as well, my head starts to clear and all most out of no where, I can focus my thoughts. I find myself thinking of things like: "Wow, what an incredible sunset.... Look at those fall leaves, amazing..... The human body is so crazy...... God is so good to me... Too good to me... Thank You, Lord."  And what started as such a struggle strangely becomes such a powerful moment of worship....

I had told Casey earlier in the week that I'm starting to think running is a really powerful way to worship God for me, but running is still sooo hard.... As I was running last night, I really began to think about this; to ponder this relationship I have with running. And it was like one of those slap in the face moments where God really reveals something to you.

You see, I love God... I do... but when it comes to spending time with Him in His Word, I find myself making excuses a lot.... "I'll read my Bible after I do the laundry... Once the dishes are done I will DEFINITELY sit down with God.... It's so nice outside, I will catch up with God after I play in the sun for a little bit....." Last night (while running), God really said to me my "spending time with Him" was slowly resembling (you guessed it) my relationship with running.....

Like running, I know spending time with God is really good for me.... Like running, I know all the benefits of spending time with God.... Like running, I know that spending time with God is good on me both physically and mentally, yet I don't do it as often as I should... Ugh.... what a convicting feeling....

Am I really going to sit back and let my relationship with God be like my relationship with running: inconsistent, filled with complaints and a constant struggle? OR am I going to push passed the second mile through all the cramps, shallow breaths, and pain to receive the known benefits??

How humbling to be running and realize that even when I think things are great and I am doing well and have things together, God knows better, knows I can do better,  and wants better for me.  See... Jesus never told us that this being a Christian thing was going to be easy, yet we expect it to be.... BUT we all know running will NEVER be easy, and we NEVER expect it to be easy.... So why then, WHY do we expect spending time getting to know Jesus and becoming a better Christ follower to be easy??

Running takes pushing past the pain and the discomfort to receive the benefits..... Is it so weird that loving Jesus better takes pushing past the pain of living differently and all the discomforts of changing who we once were to become who Jesus wants us to be?

In that moment of conviction last night, I chose the latter.... I want my relationship with Jesus to resemble that of a "trained runner." A runner who knows that sometimes running will be easier than other times, but will most likely be hard most of the time.... But they are always able to remind themselves of  how beneficial the run will be. A runner who has the heart and discipline for the sport to always strive for improvement.... I want to love Christ like this, with the knowledge it may not always be easy, but it will always be worth it.... It will most likely be hard, but will always be rewarding in the end.

Lord, please forgive me for my inconsistencies with You. Forgive me for my ignorance in thinking that knowing You better and becoming more like You should be easy. Thank You for humbling me to examine my time spent with You and making sure I'm always pushing forward.  Lord, give me Your strength to to get better.... Thank you for your modern day parables that You use to sharpen me... Thank You, Lord, even for conviction.... Help me to become a better, more disciplined runner.... Both in the literal and spiritual sense.... I also pray for those reading this.... That they will want better for themselves in order to better represent You.... Give us all YOUR strength.... Amen.

Arieanna