To Stay Home or Not to Stay Home....

Ever since I was a little girl, I have LOVED babies and little kids. I used to just love when the neighbors would call and ask me to "babysit" their kids! The parents were there the whole time and really I was just playing with their kids, but hey! I thought I was babysitting and they were able to get some things done around the house... Brilliant strategy and a definite win-win! I just couldn't wait to have my own babies some day!

From pretty early on, I knew I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom. What I didn't anticipate was the amount of time it would take to become a mom (you can read the full story here)... I also did not intend to find a job that I absolutely love! A job that I didn't want to leave...

A little history on my "career path":

The University of Montana

I went to school at the University of Montana and graduated with a Bachelor's in Marketing... So, naturally after graduation, I got a job babysitting ;) Again, I just loved it! But after about a year of this, Casey and I decided it was time for me to move on.... But I wasn't sure what to move on too... Then out of what seemed like no where, God opened a door wide for me to walk through... That door was the door to our church, Harvest Church.  I sat in a number of different seats on the Harvest bus, but the Lord eventually gave me the reigns to lead the Kids Ministry program at our Lockwood Campus (the same campus my husband, the worship leader, works).

I instantly fell in love with this job! It was hard, challenging, but oh so rewarding. My first day in this role was on Easter... If you know anything about church work, you know that Christmas and Easter are the two most attended holidays of the year! I can just remember the pure exhilarating exhaustion after that day and craving more! Even though I couldn't pull myself off the couch the next day, I knew that Lord had in store an amazing ride for me and that things were just getting started!

Our campus as a whole has been growing pretty steadily over the last two years and with more adults comes more kids! We grew from around a 70 kid average to around a 115 kid average in just 2 years! We were having an absolute blast! The Lord had assembled a killer team and I mean I have been getting to be part of kids learning who Jesus is.... Goodness that is something to celebrate!

BUT then something changed.... After years of praying, God gave me a baby... A baby of my own! Never in a million years, did I think that deciding to stay home with her would turn out to be such a challenging decision.

You see.... I now know that I was going to stay home with her all along, but as soon as I became pregnant, I was trying to convince myself and the Lord that I could do both... To love and raise this sweet daughter of ours AND lead our Lockwood Kids... But as soon as Sweet Avery Jane landed in my arms, I knew God was releasing me from my responsibilities at Harvest.

My heart was torn... I felt as if I was letting down a number of people I loved: my boss, my volunteers, my church... But every time I would begin to think that, I would hear myself think, "This is God's church not mine... His ministry not mine." God will take care of His church... He used me for a season, but now it's a new season... A season of motherhood.

So, I told my boss... He was more than supportive and even excited for me... Which made it even more bittersweet. His words to me were, "You have been great, and it will be hard to replace you, but nobody can replace you as Avery’s mom so give her all you’ve got. You have my deepest respect and sincerest gratitude both for your service to Harvest and your commitment to your family."

So, the decision has been made... To stay home with Sweet Avery Jane... He's right nobody can replace me as her mom and I intend to give her all I've got! I know I will NEVER regret this decision!

With heavy, but happy heart I am saying goodbye to my role at Harvest for now and hello to full-time mommyhood!

#SweetAveryJane

Most of you know on April 16th, 2014 at 9:36am our sweet Avery Jane entered our lives.

What many of you may not know about Avery Jane is how long we waited for her arrival. You see, Casey and I have been married 4 years now... We knew we wanted to start a family pretty early in our marriage and we figured we'd "pull the goalie" and be pregnant in no time... That's how it seemed to be going for all our friends anyways. 

Well, we did just that and started trying for a baby in the summer of 2011... A few months went by and we still weren't pregnant. I told my doctor that we were trying for a baby and she warned us that it may take awhile for my body to regulate and to keep trying. We trusted her.... But then an entire year of us trying rolled around and there was still no baby, no pregnancy. We were becoming more and more discouraged and it seemed as if EVERYONE we knew was pregnant or getting pregnant with ease. I can remember at one low point counting 12 people within my semi-immediate circle that were pregnant and being so disheartened. We just wanted so badly a family of our own and were not being given it. 

Casey and I had been praying about a baby this whole time, but we decided that we needed to cry out to God on this issue because we were not accomplishing anything on our own... So, we put it in God's hands and agreed to pray everyday together about it. Every night before bed we asked God for a baby. We prayed every night for another year.

We were living with our friend AJ during a good portion of this and he was so excited for us to start a family. He would always talk about our future kids and say things like "this would make a great nursery huh?" while we would have our nightly family time in his basement. He knew better than most our struggle with trying for a baby. Eventually he stopped bringing it up... In fact, most of us stopped talking about it...

And then our sweet friend, AJ, died on July 16th, 2013. We were sad beyond comfort (and still are at times), but God provided some very unexpected joy in the midst of our immense sadness....  On August 25th, we found out that I was pregnant! Pregnant! After trying for so long, crying so many tears, questioning God so many times..... I was pregnant. Pregnant in the middle of being so incredibly sad. We went to the doctor and they had told us that I was already 8 weeks pregnant.... This placed the date of conception just after Junior left us. We were amazed, baffled, even confused as to how this was possible. To get pregnant during such a stressful time... It didn't make sense... But then the nurse told us our due date: April 8th... Just days after AJ's birthday and then we knew... Knew AJ had worked us a deal.

Never once was that guy thinking of himself... ALWAYS thinking of others and how he could help a friend out. Ok... maybe he did think of himself at least once... but this time we know AJ wasn't thinking of himself, but thinking of some close friends he left behind. We're not sure on the theology of it all... In fact, there most likely isn't any, but we are convinced that Junior sat down with The Lord and wheeled and dealed on our behalf's with Him until God agreed to give his pals' a baby.

This was and has been so healing to our hurting souls. All along God knew what He was doing in having us wait so long for the baby we so desperately wanted. He knew there'd be a time that Casey and I would need joy... Need something to look forward to... Something to help us hold our heads high and keep on putting one foot in front of the other.

Well, fast forward 9 months... It was April and I was VERY, VERY pregnant. April 1st was AJ's birthday and we had all (his family included) been pulling for our sweet baby to be born on Junior's birthday. Well, the 1st came and left and there was no baby born yet.. Then came our due date... and then there went our due date... This baby was proving to be very stubborn. A week after our due date, we went to the doctor for what we hoped to be a final checkup. We scheduled to be induced on April 17th... Two days away. We hoped by giving this baby a few more days, it would finally decide to enter the world.

That night (April 15th) we crawled into bed just before 11pm to be jolted out of bed from a popping sensation that I thought was my water breaking and contractions that followed immediately. After fixing our fridge that had apparently been leaking for who knows how long (great timing!), we made our way to the hospital. We arrived at the hospital just before 1am on April 16th and we got settled in.... Ha kidding I was having contractions.. There was NO settling in!

After my labor had went to my back, I decided it was epidural time... Around 3:30-4:00am, I got an epidural and then the calm before the storm happened... SO wonderful! We then actually settled in and napped until the delivery crew came in around 7:30am and told us it was time to have this baby! I started pushing and then a short two hours later Casey said "It's a girl!" And I knew sweet Avery Jane was born!

April 16th, 2014... 9:36am. Our beautiful, healthy daughter is placed in my arms.... So long did we wait to lay our eyes on such a precious baby. Time stood still as they say.... And I can remember, through tears, thanking God (and AJ) for such an amazing gift.

It wasn't until later that day when our friend, Tucker, came by and pointed out the significance of when Avery Jane was born... You see our beautiful Avery Jane was born exactly 9 months to the day, almost to the minute, of our dear AJ's death. Again time stood still.... God, like He always does, made such beauty from such ugly, heart-wrenching ashes. Again we were astonished, baffled, confused.... But so thankful. So very thankful!

Such a happy, little family.

Beauty Baby.

Happy Heart.

Proud Papa.

Sweet Girl.

Readers make leaders.

Smiley Baby.

Such a joy.

Just hanging and having a convo with Dad.

Thank you, God, for the amazing gift you've given us in this tiny, little human. Thank you for answering all of our prayers. Thank you for continuing to heal our broken hearts. You are an amazing God!

PS... Say hi to AJ for us.