Confessions of a breastfeeding failure...

"Normalize breastfeeding, breast is best, breastfeeding is beautiful, free the boob".... These are a few of the sayings that you become pretty familiar with pretty early on in mommy hood (especially if you choose to nurse)... But what about those of us who want so desperately to be able to feed our babies solely the breast but can't? We're told that the best thing for our new babies is milk produced by our own bodies... We are sometimes told in a laughing, sarcastic tone that breastfeeding may be hard... But no one really takes the time to sit you down and tell you how hard it actually can be and how easily it can all go down hill...

This was me. Correction this is me. Both my mom and my grandma struggled with breast feeding, so I knew it was possible that it would be a struggle for me. However, I was determined to give it my best shot! I prayed often before giving birth that I would be able to nurse my sweet baby. 

So, sweet Avery Jane entered the world and began nursing. Her latch was pretty good, it didn't hurt too terribly bad, no cracks, no bleeding... Success! Nursing was going pretty well for us and I was so pleased! 

But then the silent killer entered the scene... The lies all of us women believe... It had been just over six weeks and I had been given the ok to start exercising again... A few more weeks had passed and I still wasn't my normal size 3. In fact, I was still double that. So, I started watching what I ate more and was hitting the gym/working out from home more. I felt good. I felt great really. I thought, "I will be back in no time."

But then Avery Jane happened. She went to the doctor and had basically fallen off the charts for weight. She had had a little blood in her diaper as well so the docs were doubly concerned. After about 4-6 blood tests, 2 stool samples, a urine test and a visit with the lactation consultant the doctors told us she wasn't getting enough to eat from me and to start supplementing with formula. Such an easy thing for them to say, such an easy fix. SUCH a shattering and discouraging thing for a new mom to hear. They said, "Your supply must have dropped." What I heard: "You have failed at being able to adequately take care of your daughter." 

Now I know my thoughts were absolutely irrational, maybe even hormonal, but I was utterly crushed. Not only was I not "slimmed down," but in trying to do so I took away the ability to feed my sweet girl what she needed. I felt so terrible. So ashamed. 

You may hear moms joking around about how ravenous they are while nursing, but you don't often hear how extremely important it is to eat enough calories while nursing. You don't often hear how much you will struggle with how your body looks after having a baby. You will know the fact that you just gave another human life by growing it inside of you, but that evil voice in your head will continue to try to tell you you're fat. What a lie this is! A lie I chose to believe and now Avery is paying for it. 

No one ever tells you how embarrassed you may feel to have to admit you're giving your baby formula!! GASP! Well, I'm hear to say yes, you may feel embarrassed to admit this, but it is nothing to be embarrassed about! It's something to celebrate really. What if Avery had been born before formula was invented? Would she still be alive? Possibly not. This sounds extreme, but it helps me to be thankful that formula was invented and that it will allow Avery to grow and develop as needed. Even thrive!

My advice to other new moms who may be just beginning this nursing journey:

• EAT! Make sure to get enough calories in your day. Avery's doctor told me I should have been eating 2500-3000 calories a day. That is a ton! I was lucky to be getting 1500-2000... And then gymming on top of that. Not good. Do NOT feel guilty for eating extra while nursing!
• DRINK! Make sure you are drinking enough water! Get a big water bottle and mark it with lines of how much you need to drink by when... Do whatever it takes to get enough liquids.
• PRIORITIZE your supply! When it's time to feed your baby DO IT! You are NOT an inconvenience!! I struggled with this... If we were out with family or friends, and I knew it had been more than 4 hours since I nursed or pumped I would just push it longer... Avery wasn't crying so she was fine. As a result, my body thought it needed to make less milk and my supply began to dry up.
• YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE if you can't nurse... Coming from a mom who's baby cannot survive on my milk alone, you are still a good mom if you have to feed her formula.. A GREAT mom even, because you can put your pride aside to give your baby what she needs.
• TAKE YOUR THOUGHTS CAPTIVE!! At some point you are going to hate your post-baby body. You may even think horrible things about how you look, but look at your baby and remember it took 9 months for that sweet baby to grow inside of you... It's absolutely OK if it takes that long for you to look like you "used to."
• PRAY! This should probably be first on the list. Pray for your supply. Pray for your baby. Pray for your thoughts to be pure about your body. Pray for your pride to step aside if you are unable to nurse. Ask God, cry out to God, that He will help you on this journey. He wants to be included :)

I have taken the last 3 months to work on rebuilding my supply. You name it, we've tried it! Avery Jane was living on probably 80% formula and 20% breast milk when we found out my supply had depleted. She was lucky to get .5-1 ounce from me each feeding. I would guess she is now living on about 65% formula and probably 35% breast milk. She's getting anywhere from 1-3 ounces from me and the rest formula.

Bottle can also be best!

I'm not sure I will ever regain my full supply, but I will continue to try. I will continue to choose to be ever so thankful for the creators of formula for providing my baby a source of nourishment! I will thank God for helping us find out that she wasn't getting enough food before any permanent damage was done! I will choose to believe I have NOT failed at breastfeeding or being a good mom, but believe I am a GREAT mom for doing whatever it takes to give this sweet girl the best life I can :)  I will continue to try to be the best mom I can for sweet Avery Jane! 

~Arieanna

To Stay Home or Not to Stay Home....

Ever since I was a little girl, I have LOVED babies and little kids. I used to just love when the neighbors would call and ask me to "babysit" their kids! The parents were there the whole time and really I was just playing with their kids, but hey! I thought I was babysitting and they were able to get some things done around the house... Brilliant strategy and a definite win-win! I just couldn't wait to have my own babies some day!

From pretty early on, I knew I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom. What I didn't anticipate was the amount of time it would take to become a mom (you can read the full story here)... I also did not intend to find a job that I absolutely love! A job that I didn't want to leave...

A little history on my "career path":

The University of Montana

I went to school at the University of Montana and graduated with a Bachelor's in Marketing... So, naturally after graduation, I got a job babysitting ;) Again, I just loved it! But after about a year of this, Casey and I decided it was time for me to move on.... But I wasn't sure what to move on too... Then out of what seemed like no where, God opened a door wide for me to walk through... That door was the door to our church, Harvest Church.  I sat in a number of different seats on the Harvest bus, but the Lord eventually gave me the reigns to lead the Kids Ministry program at our Lockwood Campus (the same campus my husband, the worship leader, works).

I instantly fell in love with this job! It was hard, challenging, but oh so rewarding. My first day in this role was on Easter... If you know anything about church work, you know that Christmas and Easter are the two most attended holidays of the year! I can just remember the pure exhilarating exhaustion after that day and craving more! Even though I couldn't pull myself off the couch the next day, I knew that Lord had in store an amazing ride for me and that things were just getting started!

Our campus as a whole has been growing pretty steadily over the last two years and with more adults comes more kids! We grew from around a 70 kid average to around a 115 kid average in just 2 years! We were having an absolute blast! The Lord had assembled a killer team and I mean I have been getting to be part of kids learning who Jesus is.... Goodness that is something to celebrate!

BUT then something changed.... After years of praying, God gave me a baby... A baby of my own! Never in a million years, did I think that deciding to stay home with her would turn out to be such a challenging decision.

You see.... I now know that I was going to stay home with her all along, but as soon as I became pregnant, I was trying to convince myself and the Lord that I could do both... To love and raise this sweet daughter of ours AND lead our Lockwood Kids... But as soon as Sweet Avery Jane landed in my arms, I knew God was releasing me from my responsibilities at Harvest.

My heart was torn... I felt as if I was letting down a number of people I loved: my boss, my volunteers, my church... But every time I would begin to think that, I would hear myself think, "This is God's church not mine... His ministry not mine." God will take care of His church... He used me for a season, but now it's a new season... A season of motherhood.

So, I told my boss... He was more than supportive and even excited for me... Which made it even more bittersweet. His words to me were, "You have been great, and it will be hard to replace you, but nobody can replace you as Avery’s mom so give her all you’ve got. You have my deepest respect and sincerest gratitude both for your service to Harvest and your commitment to your family."

So, the decision has been made... To stay home with Sweet Avery Jane... He's right nobody can replace me as her mom and I intend to give her all I've got! I know I will NEVER regret this decision!

With heavy, but happy heart I am saying goodbye to my role at Harvest for now and hello to full-time mommyhood!

#SweetAveryJane

Most of you know on April 16th, 2014 at 9:36am our sweet Avery Jane entered our lives.

What many of you may not know about Avery Jane is how long we waited for her arrival. You see, Casey and I have been married 4 years now... We knew we wanted to start a family pretty early in our marriage and we figured we'd "pull the goalie" and be pregnant in no time... That's how it seemed to be going for all our friends anyways. 

Well, we did just that and started trying for a baby in the summer of 2011... A few months went by and we still weren't pregnant. I told my doctor that we were trying for a baby and she warned us that it may take awhile for my body to regulate and to keep trying. We trusted her.... But then an entire year of us trying rolled around and there was still no baby, no pregnancy. We were becoming more and more discouraged and it seemed as if EVERYONE we knew was pregnant or getting pregnant with ease. I can remember at one low point counting 12 people within my semi-immediate circle that were pregnant and being so disheartened. We just wanted so badly a family of our own and were not being given it. 

Casey and I had been praying about a baby this whole time, but we decided that we needed to cry out to God on this issue because we were not accomplishing anything on our own... So, we put it in God's hands and agreed to pray everyday together about it. Every night before bed we asked God for a baby. We prayed every night for another year.

We were living with our friend AJ during a good portion of this and he was so excited for us to start a family. He would always talk about our future kids and say things like "this would make a great nursery huh?" while we would have our nightly family time in his basement. He knew better than most our struggle with trying for a baby. Eventually he stopped bringing it up... In fact, most of us stopped talking about it...

And then our sweet friend, AJ, died on July 16th, 2013. We were sad beyond comfort (and still are at times), but God provided some very unexpected joy in the midst of our immense sadness....  On August 25th, we found out that I was pregnant! Pregnant! After trying for so long, crying so many tears, questioning God so many times..... I was pregnant. Pregnant in the middle of being so incredibly sad. We went to the doctor and they had told us that I was already 8 weeks pregnant.... This placed the date of conception just after Junior left us. We were amazed, baffled, even confused as to how this was possible. To get pregnant during such a stressful time... It didn't make sense... But then the nurse told us our due date: April 8th... Just days after AJ's birthday and then we knew... Knew AJ had worked us a deal.

Never once was that guy thinking of himself... ALWAYS thinking of others and how he could help a friend out. Ok... maybe he did think of himself at least once... but this time we know AJ wasn't thinking of himself, but thinking of some close friends he left behind. We're not sure on the theology of it all... In fact, there most likely isn't any, but we are convinced that Junior sat down with The Lord and wheeled and dealed on our behalf's with Him until God agreed to give his pals' a baby.

This was and has been so healing to our hurting souls. All along God knew what He was doing in having us wait so long for the baby we so desperately wanted. He knew there'd be a time that Casey and I would need joy... Need something to look forward to... Something to help us hold our heads high and keep on putting one foot in front of the other.

Well, fast forward 9 months... It was April and I was VERY, VERY pregnant. April 1st was AJ's birthday and we had all (his family included) been pulling for our sweet baby to be born on Junior's birthday. Well, the 1st came and left and there was no baby born yet.. Then came our due date... and then there went our due date... This baby was proving to be very stubborn. A week after our due date, we went to the doctor for what we hoped to be a final checkup. We scheduled to be induced on April 17th... Two days away. We hoped by giving this baby a few more days, it would finally decide to enter the world.

That night (April 15th) we crawled into bed just before 11pm to be jolted out of bed from a popping sensation that I thought was my water breaking and contractions that followed immediately. After fixing our fridge that had apparently been leaking for who knows how long (great timing!), we made our way to the hospital. We arrived at the hospital just before 1am on April 16th and we got settled in.... Ha kidding I was having contractions.. There was NO settling in!

After my labor had went to my back, I decided it was epidural time... Around 3:30-4:00am, I got an epidural and then the calm before the storm happened... SO wonderful! We then actually settled in and napped until the delivery crew came in around 7:30am and told us it was time to have this baby! I started pushing and then a short two hours later Casey said "It's a girl!" And I knew sweet Avery Jane was born!

April 16th, 2014... 9:36am. Our beautiful, healthy daughter is placed in my arms.... So long did we wait to lay our eyes on such a precious baby. Time stood still as they say.... And I can remember, through tears, thanking God (and AJ) for such an amazing gift.

It wasn't until later that day when our friend, Tucker, came by and pointed out the significance of when Avery Jane was born... You see our beautiful Avery Jane was born exactly 9 months to the day, almost to the minute, of our dear AJ's death. Again time stood still.... God, like He always does, made such beauty from such ugly, heart-wrenching ashes. Again we were astonished, baffled, confused.... But so thankful. So very thankful!

Such a happy, little family.

Beauty Baby.

Happy Heart.

Proud Papa.

Sweet Girl.

Readers make leaders.

Smiley Baby.

Such a joy.

Just hanging and having a convo with Dad.

Thank you, God, for the amazing gift you've given us in this tiny, little human. Thank you for answering all of our prayers. Thank you for continuing to heal our broken hearts. You are an amazing God!

PS... Say hi to AJ for us. 

Saturday Morning Praises...

It's Saturday morning.... I just read over Psalm 57... this is where David is hiding from Saul in a cave and is scared and unsure of his future... but the one thing he is sure of is that his God is faithful and he will sing Him praises no matter what his situation is... Psalm 57: 8-9 says this, "Awake, my soul! Awake, harp and lyre! I will awaken the dawn. I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies."   David is awaken from his sleep not because it's dawn and the sun is rising or because he's frightened by his situation, but rather because his praises "call forth the dawn." He's alone in a dark cave, being tracked down by a scary king who wants him dead and yet he is still awaken by his need, want, and desire to praise his God.... Wow...

How often am I awaken to the day singing praises to my God?........ Most mornings I wake up and hit the snooze 5 times and say to myself "just five more minutes... that's all I need." And I am NO WHERE near being trapped in a cave as someone hunts me down to kill me... I am safe in my warm bed...  Hmmmm..... Just a little convicting?? Well, thank You, Lord, for this convicting me this morning and let me grow because of it!!

This morning I think I can learn something from David.... This morning I will sing praises to my Lord for all the faithfulness He has shown me... A short list of this morning's praises:

• It has rained for the last two days bringing us the moisture we desperately needed... 
• It's sunny today as we head to lay sod at the water park our church is about to bless/gift our city with (an over 10 year project)... Hallelujah!
• My hot City Brew coffee sitting next to me...  
• The fact that each weekend God comes through to make Lockwood Kids Ministry happen... This is solely because God's hand is in this ministry! 
• My wonderful husband...
• The amazing friends God has blessed me with...
• His Bible.
• His Son.
• Saving me from the pit I should most certainly spend eternity in...
• A great job at a great Church...

Awake, my soul, O Lord!!! Thank You for Your unfailing faithfulness!! May I always sing Your praises each and every morining!

Running.... A constant struggle...

Running..... Why is running for so many people, including myself, such a struggle? We know we should do it... We know it's really good for us... We all know the benefits of running. We know it's good on us both physically and mentally, yet we don't do it. OR when we do run, we run for maybe a mile and call it good OR we run twice a week for a few weeks then winter comes and we tell ourselves "it's too cold out" or summer comes and "it's too hot out." There's always an excuse not to run...

For me, running is truly a love/hate relationship. First finding the motivation to run is the hardest part... Then when I find the motivation, pushing past the first mile becomes excruciating..... Then comes the boredom.... The boredom of running can become tormenting (at least for me).... But no matter the negativity "running" through my head, something inside of me tells me to keep going... Then I am all of a sudden on mile 2.5 and feeling pretty good.... My breathing becomes more regular, my heart rate definitely faster but steading as well, my head starts to clear and all most out of no where, I can focus my thoughts. I find myself thinking of things like: "Wow, what an incredible sunset.... Look at those fall leaves, amazing..... The human body is so crazy...... God is so good to me... Too good to me... Thank You, Lord."  And what started as such a struggle strangely becomes such a powerful moment of worship....

I had told Casey earlier in the week that I'm starting to think running is a really powerful way to worship God for me, but running is still sooo hard.... As I was running last night, I really began to think about this; to ponder this relationship I have with running. And it was like one of those slap in the face moments where God really reveals something to you.

You see, I love God... I do... but when it comes to spending time with Him in His Word, I find myself making excuses a lot.... "I'll read my Bible after I do the laundry... Once the dishes are done I will DEFINITELY sit down with God.... It's so nice outside, I will catch up with God after I play in the sun for a little bit....." Last night (while running), God really said to me my "spending time with Him" was slowly resembling (you guessed it) my relationship with running.....

Like running, I know spending time with God is really good for me.... Like running, I know all the benefits of spending time with God.... Like running, I know that spending time with God is good on me both physically and mentally, yet I don't do it as often as I should... Ugh.... what a convicting feeling....

Am I really going to sit back and let my relationship with God be like my relationship with running: inconsistent, filled with complaints and a constant struggle? OR am I going to push passed the second mile through all the cramps, shallow breaths, and pain to receive the known benefits??

How humbling to be running and realize that even when I think things are great and I am doing well and have things together, God knows better, knows I can do better,  and wants better for me.  See... Jesus never told us that this being a Christian thing was going to be easy, yet we expect it to be.... BUT we all know running will NEVER be easy, and we NEVER expect it to be easy.... So why then, WHY do we expect spending time getting to know Jesus and becoming a better Christ follower to be easy??

Running takes pushing past the pain and the discomfort to receive the benefits..... Is it so weird that loving Jesus better takes pushing past the pain of living differently and all the discomforts of changing who we once were to become who Jesus wants us to be?

In that moment of conviction last night, I chose the latter.... I want my relationship with Jesus to resemble that of a "trained runner." A runner who knows that sometimes running will be easier than other times, but will most likely be hard most of the time.... But they are always able to remind themselves of  how beneficial the run will be. A runner who has the heart and discipline for the sport to always strive for improvement.... I want to love Christ like this, with the knowledge it may not always be easy, but it will always be worth it.... It will most likely be hard, but will always be rewarding in the end.

Lord, please forgive me for my inconsistencies with You. Forgive me for my ignorance in thinking that knowing You better and becoming more like You should be easy. Thank You for humbling me to examine my time spent with You and making sure I'm always pushing forward.  Lord, give me Your strength to to get better.... Thank you for your modern day parables that You use to sharpen me... Thank You, Lord, even for conviction.... Help me to become a better, more disciplined runner.... Both in the literal and spiritual sense.... I also pray for those reading this.... That they will want better for themselves in order to better represent You.... Give us all YOUR strength.... Amen.

Arieanna